Thursday 9 October 2008

Humans to flap Wings and flutter Fins within Three decades.


On august 14,2003 most of north America had a power outage. Youth of the countinent didn't even know that the thing that came out of the plug points could stop flowing. After they realised that, most of them went on to enjoy that fact. It affected 67 million people and financial losses were estemeed to be 6.5 billion USD but most of the youth were angry about hot pizzas not being delivered to their door steps in midst of their nox carnival. The reason for the power outage was told to be over use of electricity, what ever that was. In more simple words, a continuous series of circuits fell off one by one, as electricity consumed by people was reaching 100% capacity (only place where demand equals supply doesn't please perfect economists). It was a cascading effect set off by the overdrive of electricity, most of it was used in air cooling as it was the peak of the American summer.

20% of all of the witchy power used in north America is "blowing in the wind", literally (some call it air conditioning). air conditioning is a prequisite in most homes of nations of the world, the people inhabiting which can't tolerate high temperatures, so it would be fair to say more temperature would mean more use of the magical might as air conditioning usage would rise. Air conditioning (ambience modifiers), as we know it, doesnt just come in one form. It also comes in form of room heating, so even if temperatures dropped too much people in most developed countries would use room heaters. So we heat, cool and clean air so that we get fresh and bacteria free air in our homes where we live all our lives and don't need to move out for education, work, food and life. our water heaters, water coolers, cooking gas stoves, microwave ovens, refrigerators, fans, tvs, radios, computers, faxs, telephones run with our lives. So basically we do things and then undo things and both happen when our mommies click their fingers and practice withcraft. Ask them, if you may. Manifestly so, industries require the same sorcerous force, with which our industrialised states are going to bloom and our heyday going to last till eternity to produce that Ikea cow couch we all need to enjoy tv on.

This population day on July 11 2008, the world population was around 6.6 billion (let me write you that in figures, 6,600,000,000) by 2042, it will be 9 billion and we will celebrate 10 billionth human life around 2055. How much better are we at producing babies than our once folliage wearing ancestors? well it took them around 250,000,000 years to reach 1 billion and it took us 200 to reach from 1 to 10, which means we must be great in bed no matter how much the People's magazine complains. We are good! Not just that we are 1250000 times better than our ancestors and thence we have a population day so that we can look back each year and celebrate our endeavour and enterprise to devour the planet.

So, all of us, since we are such kind and gentle peace loving creatures inscrutably abyssal recondital trenchy cryptic deep deep really deep down at the heinie bottom of our heart, will preach the motto of "sharing is caring" and practice it just like we did in the great wars of the 20th and 21st century. Even if we didn't have such bonnie bottom hearts we would still have to, because more people will mean more place to live, more place to work, more place to breathe, more place to grow food on, more place to let the food out, more place to commute, more of everything that makes us, us. But we wont have to worry as our self-sacrificing and peace loving world leaders such as george bush, who have absolutely no dialogue with lobbies of philanthropic organisations such as Exxon mobil, which has the highest net income in the world that of around 40 billion, will get tax cuts from the US government because it needs to ameliorate its pitiful fiscal condition. Its just a serendipitious coincidence that it happens to be a oil corporation and oil corporations are only raking the moolah to give it away to their pitiable and haplessly poor kids who are needful of multi jet air stream conditioning in their stretch lemo's lavatory, which most probably, euphorically guzzles a litre for every 2 miles of travel, when they are taking a private jet cruise to the amazon for a school project on the "cause of fast depleting forests". why? becasuse good air flow in lavatories creates better bowel movements in the upwardly mobile people.

Anyway, all these people that we are growing today will require food to grow so that they can grow more people who can grow more food. Since the size of earth, as we speak, is growing by 69 million sq miles every sixth sunday of the month, only to accomodate our growing demand for food. our scientists have besides found little green farmers on planet mars, we can easily trade our intellect and our collective sense of satire for their food, if we run out of ours. We will also have more food since we are using more and more farm land to produce corn in order to produce ethanol to replace gasoline, because teens like me love the addictive to the smell of petrol and collective discerning governements of the world have taken a step against people like me and they told us they wont let us do that any more and have thus began to ticker and suck less oil from the wells. subsequently the planetery authorities don't require petroleum products for food production since tractors run themselves on carbonised air and our fertilizers are made from human excreta thence we dont really have to vex over anything at all but just wait for that McDelivery to reach our home.

In addition, more people will need less cars as we all love to walk. Well for the people who don't there is always, a very good chance that in the next 7 years we might need to swim and not walk, as swimming is the best form of exercise and the global regimes have decided to fill our streets and, if required, our houses too with sea water, this is especially true if you live relatively near the ocean, seas, rivers etc which is around (70% or more of the population) and if that's not the case, don't worry other places will receive incessant rainfall and you will get to to stay afloat for the better half of the year (mumbai 2005, Bihar, orissa 2008, china 2005 and on, Bangladesh, so many more are proof of exercises that governements are conducting on us) and if you are still unlucky then most of you will either be stuck in snow slides, deserts or plains which will soon turn to deserts as the insatiable rain clouds need to feed themselves and because land heats more quickly than water hence higher temperatures will drain more water from soil than from water itself (revisit theory of sea and land breeze & latent heat of liquids and solids) you will be lucky enough to do that for the ones of us who will be swimming. Amidst this we will learn to drink sea water, not just because we will be swimming in it but also because most of our natural sweet sources of water, like glaciers and lakes will dry up. we will also try to grow fins while our brothers and sisters out in the deserts-to-be try and grow wings so that finally they can help us to fly off to Mars, Jupiter, Saturn or for that matter even their moons-Ganymede and Europa. They will do so yet again because they are gentle and peace loving inscrutably abyssal recondital trenchy cryptic deep deep really deep down at the heinie bottom of their heart. We will also have the opportunity to swim with those big white beautiful vegetarian animals called polar bears, who will have to cross the pacific to get to us, as their chuck of land called the artic would be completely gone and the same will ring true for penguins who will grow larger fins and spring up gills in just another 5 years as their domain of ice now known as the antartic, whose ice is breaking into pieces as we speak, will no longer be there for us to base our scientific camps of climate study on or to claim the natural resources out there. But who needs these scientists and writers anyway, they only say stupid things like, (i am paraphrasing) "You gotta learn swimming or flying, if you dont listen to us" or "The ice sheets act as giant mirrors to reflect heat back from the sun and when they are gone the earth would heat even faster" or "evolution is true" or "gravity works" or "This write up is sarcastic". Oh yeah, that old joke we used to crack about Greenland and how its all White, will no longer be there for our kids to gag about as they swim to their underwater school with the great whites and jelly fishes, may be some squids too, if they are lucky.

One might question why haven't i talked about our shipping fleet and cruise liners where we can base our life on in the future? Well, we could have except our ocean currents would change directions so we would perhaps need more of that magical force which would require some kind of fuel, and cheap fuel that is the party that we have been living on, will be totally all out by 2035 or 2040, and all the natural methane gas that human's produce wont be enough for them to sustain on. Just in case you didn't realise, nuclear fuel too has to be grown on paddy fields, which requires arable land or atleast land and apart from that there is always the merry worthy fact that when there is no wheat available in the market everyone will crib but still manage with rice and hence rice production will have to grow and therefore someday come to a relative peak. Since we know both rice and nuclear fusion-fission material grow on farms so we don't have to think too much about it or for our uranium farmers. As for solar energy, wind energy and different forms of hydel energy they will be developed by our little green men from mars(rememebr them?). They will do it for us as we will still be too busy swimming for oil and fishing for coal. Up until its profitable (as in 40 billion US$ profitable) let mankind along with animal kind and even the tree kind go for a hike to the kuiper belt and feel like home. Nonetheless, it would never happen since we don't have enough wizardly vitality to produce enough wizardly vitality that can sustain us anyway, but we can enjoy till it lasts and rejoice the fact that all those people who loved stormy weather and found it as a turn on will be spanking each other's butts more often now, as there is good news for you people too folks. The number of storms are both increasing in number and strength, setting all time records across the world [(tropical storms=lost count but yeah super cylone anyone?, hurricanes=biggest in modern history in "THE USA-hell yeah" in 2004/05, tornadoes=1717 (2004) highest ever (USA), typhoons=10 (also 2004) also highest ever (japan/china)]. All this harmoniously coupled with 10 hottest years in the history of known human existence being in the last 12 years with catastrophies like the heat wave of 2003 in Europe which killed 35000, the same year when in india had record high temperature in most place should be reason enough to party, but we avid little people need ever more. All of this, if you can see, evidently has no relation at all, if it were so it would mean that rise in temperature of the atmosphere would mean rise in temperature of land and of sea and the entire world, which would vaporize more water and so bring in more rain at places which are already receiving enough rain and drying up soil which is already dried up, also creating more stormy weather and stronger winds, in the process when winds feed off high temperatures of the oceans and ground to bring home more voilent weather due to the higher moisture content, which will obviously not rise because of evaporation which can't be increasing.

Species which we would like to cherish are perishing a thousand times higher than the natural rate of decline but we aren't worrying because new species of viruses, bacteria and pests are coming up to take their rightful place, which will someday help us to rise up from our reeking graves, i.e. for those of us who dont sprout wings or contact the species of the third kind from andromeda to take us with them and become immortal. But to be honest even they wouldn't last too long as all through the planet's history the amount of CO2 in the atmosphere has always been below 300 ppm but now it has suddenly grown to 385 ppm in a matter of 30 years and by less than 50 years the figure will be more 700/800 ppm which means they wont get to breathe and die. Thank Bush atleast we dont have to worry about breathing anymore or even if we do we will have our air conditioners which will by then work under water and be electriproofed. weirdly enough, it also shows us how the air we clean for ourselves is actually making it worse for us to breathe in.

With this bright future in my sight for all of us, i welcome thee aliens with open arms to take me abode because my hands write but don't germinate wings and my legs have no flapping fins. Truth shall make you free, but first it shall make you angry. Here's one - There is nothing that's absolutely free and here's another - Not all debts are paid with money.

6 comments:

Alice Edwards said...

do you know how hard it will be for a person who doesn't get sarcasm to understand your post or even try???
:D
i pity them.
its worth their time to learn the art of sarcasm and then try their mind at this.
for that and for the concerns that you have voiced in the post.
the blog is magnificent for two reasons,
one being the literary art of sarcasm and writing, the other being your attempt at addressing an issue that can have devastating implications.
totally worth my time.
(i have bookmarked you :) )

TWINKLE PATTNAIK said...

enjoyed reading every bit of it!
had always -hEArd- your sarcasm.
today, i could -rEAd- Heh!:D
[write up worth s0mE(nOt any) newspaper's editorial^_^]

racheal princeton said...

exceptionally outstanding article man
i wish the US federal agencies could some how read this
the clarity of thought is brilliant n so is the dose of sarcasm that came free with it
n i totally looooved the title of the article
u n ur article has caught my eye
not a very easy thing to do ;)
adieu

george cliffton said...

our mother earth require people like you to salvage it from the deathbed that is awaiting her.
thank you for the post. will forward it to many :)

nisha ghosal said...

its weird how we forget all about the place we live in and what we give back to the place where we all originated from.
the big cars we drive or aspire to drive are all part of this whole mess.
choose cleaner and greener cars.
choose public transportation.
choose life and prosperity over pollution and global warming.

april knewton said...

i wish more people half as concerned as you are.
beautifully orchestrated blog post.
you should write a book...

you have nice shot at making joseph keller proud of himself.

keep writing

love from la